i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize