I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
