Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
