accomplished twins. life is a go
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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