And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
