I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize