If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize