I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
