Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
