in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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