I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
This is my gift to your gina
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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