I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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