Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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