update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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