can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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