You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
