dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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