dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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