you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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