My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
