I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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