Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
