Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
