I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
