You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
OPIZZABONMYDICK
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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