my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
