well I can't set my house on fire every night
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
