I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
