Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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