omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
