1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize