she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
