Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
God gave him joint rollers for hands
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
