Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
