You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize