There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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