I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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