there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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