Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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