I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
