he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
