the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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