I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
