I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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