Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
