I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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