my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
