I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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