He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think your dad took our porno
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize