and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
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