no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
