dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
