i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Randomize
