She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
