when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm at about main and main street
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
