I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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