i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Drunk is not a location!
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
