who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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