Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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