Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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