My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
