I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
