my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
