my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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